


The Words I Remember

by ObstinateHeadstrongGirl8



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke Week, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-19 05:07:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19350097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObstinateHeadstrongGirl8/pseuds/ObstinateHeadstrongGirl8
Summary: The 100 canonverse set after 6x07. Bellarke. What if Murphy realized Clarke was alive and brought Josephine to be questioned by their people? But are they too late? Has the Commander of Death tired of surviving? What if Josephine has all of Clarke's memories and reminds them of the words they said to Clarke? If Clarke is alive, what lengths would Bellamy go to in order to get her back. WARNING: Rated M: some discussion of Clarke being suicidal.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

When Josephine finally woke up she knew it wasn't good. That Murphy must have gone back at his word. Instead of blasting the EMT charge so Clarke would dead for good, he must have hit her over the head and locked her to this chair.

"What a waste. He's pretty, but all the dumb ones are," she thought.

She looked around to see nine angry faces surrounding her. Bellamy, Raven, Abby, Miller, Murphy, Echo, Emori, Octavia, and Diyoza carried rage on their faces. Why people were so sentimental she never understood.

"We need to figure out how to get Clarke back," Murphy said. "Josephine said she was still in there so we can figure out how to get her back if we act soon before the rest of the Primes find us."

"It's too late honey. Clarke has left the party," Josephine said. "Don't look so sad. She's at peace."

"Clarke would never leave us like that. She survives," Bellamy said, trying and mostly failing to restrain his unbridled hatred of the girl with the face he loved.

"You're right. She did. But you see the great Wanheda got tired of fighting for you ingrates. She's been trying to keep you people alive since her daddy died and she just got so tired."

The words Josephine were saying made sense, but the nine couldn't allow themselves to believe it.

"Then why would you need the ENT blast?" Murphy offered.

"It was just a backup," Josephine said. "In case she fought back, she didn't."

"We aren't leaving Clarke," Raven said. For the all crap they have been through together, Raven couldn't let her oldest friend, the one who would pick her first, die this way.

"Oh please honey stop lying. I was in her head. I know the truth," Josephine said with a sad smirk. The one a teacher would give a child who said the wrong answer. "You left her again and again, with the burden of surviving and then you actually left her while you all lived it up in Club Med of the Sky."

Josephine could tell she had struck a chord. With a tilting of her head, she leaned forward in her chair, pulling at the restraints, knowing she had to push more.

"Let's play a game shall we? I'll tell you something you said to Clarke and you tell me if I'm wrong," Josephine answered with as much excitement as sarcasm.

"Their blood is on your hands, and even if we win, I'm afraid you won't be able to wash it off this time. That's you right Abby?"

"First you hanged me. And who could forget Lexa? I was tied up that night too. just a disposable pawn in your game. Tying up me and Emori in Becca's lab because she was disposable too. I know you remember that one because you drew a little picture of it. Did you draw Bellamy in the fighting pit too."

Murphy looked at the ceiling, surprised about how much his own words shocked him.

"Murphy honey that one was you," Josephine said in a sing-song voice. She almost looked like she was enjoying herself.

"And that's your plan? Bellamy's counting on you. Everyone's always counting on you."

You trusted Lexa. You let a bomb drop on Tondc. You let all those people die. Yeah? Well, it's not good enough. That winner belongs to the one and only, Bloodreina."

"Tsk tsk tsk for someone so little you have quite a mouth on you," Josephine laughed.

"Don't pretend you care about Bellamy now Clarke…. I'll admit, not the most original but all those times you tried to kill her more than make up for it I promise. Spies were never really known for their one liners anyway," Josephine smiled as she looked at Echo.

Bellamy looks at Echo surprised. He never thought they discussed him. That thought upsets him and he can't quite understand why.

Now for the one-two punch.

"You're the only murderer here…. You don't get to give up, Clarke. You killed Finn and I didn't give up…. Deciding who lives and die in your job… Good people died because of you. Shaw was tortured because of you. The problem isn't making amends. Every time you do something terrible you're sorry then you do it again. Clarke Griffin and her impossible choices. The only difference between you and her is Octavia doesn't pretend to feel bad about it."

Raven's face falls at the venom she spat at Clarke. The last words Clarke ever heard from her.

"And I'm not even going into all the crap that you said as Allie," Josephine laughed.

"Didn't think I would forget you, did you, Bellamy?" Josephine knew that this one would be the most fun.

"Need me? You left me?… People die when you're in charge.… I don't need you anymore… This is your fault Princess…What you're doing is a kind of betrayal."

Bellamy began to feel dizzy. He never knew she hung on to every word.

"I mean honestly after all that are you sure you want her back?" Josephine asked sincerely.

"Of course we do. She is our friend and you took her from us," Raven yelled lunging at Josephine.

"Honestly dear calm down. Take a pill. Did you think bearing the burden of survival was easy? It wasn't. She was just exhausted."

"But don't beat yourselves up too much. That was nothing compared to the things she said about herself. Honestly, it was a real bummer. She had this box filled with dead people things of all the people she killed. Gross right? Let's see, there was a old watch, a pair of goggles, a two-headed deer statue, dog tags with the word JAHA, a little girl's jacket, and a creepy throne thing. Depressing right? Wouldn't wanna be stuck in that head forever am I right?" Josephine asked and was met by silence.

"I'm not telling you this to be cruel. I'm telling you this so you understand why she chose the way she did," Josephine said.

"What choice?" Bellamy barked, holding back tears.

"I told her she could die peacefully saving her people or she could kill me and then my father would wipe you out. Easy choice really."

"Clarke would never surrender," Abby said.

"I'll admit, she fought it at first, but then I showed her a memory and boy did she change her mind. What memory you ask? Great question! I showed her Bellamy telling my father that he would make a deal with them to survive even though they just killed Clarke. If even the love of her life doesn't care if she lives? Why should she?

The nine people looked at each other and each thought, "What now?"

End of Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

The eight of them headed outside to talk outside so Josephine wouldn't hear them, leaving Miller inside to guard the person they hoped most was lying.

But if she was lying, she was doing a damn good job. After all, hadn't all the things she told them been true?

"I don't care what that she-demon says," Raven said as she started pacing back and forth. "Clarke wouldn't give up on us, or Madi for that matter."

"I think she might be telling the truth," Murphy said as everyone looked up at him in shock and horror.

"Cockroach now is not the time. Just because you feel guilty about helping Josephine doesn't mean you get to take the easy way out now," Octavia muttered. She still wasn't on good terms with the rest of her people. Her brother wouldn't even look her in the eye, but they had bigger problems now. Clarke was the only thing that Bellamy could focus on right now.

"She's right," Echo said after several uncomfortable minutes of silence. "We don't know she's telling the truth. She's the best liar I've ever seen, and I've known many."

"First, I wouldn't be tossing insults because I promise you mine are worse, Bloodreina. And this isn't guilt or pity or whatever. I'm being serious," Murphy said. He wasn't offended by Octavia's suggestion, but it did put a pit he was all too familiar with in his stomach.

"You guys didn't see her during the Eclipse. I did."

"Murphy, this is Clarke we're talking about. She's brave and she survives," Bellamy said as if the sheer will of his words could make it so.

"Bellamy, this Clarke was not the brave princess that told you, you would have to kill her for that wristband. This was not the Clarke who shot the rifle in the sky while almost dead from disease to stop the kids from killing each," Murphy said. "This was a different Clarke entirely."

"You guys just don't understand," Murphy said as she scuffed his feet in the dirt.

He was uncharacteristically coy with whatever information about Clarke he had, Bellamy thought. Maybe because it wasn't his information to share.

"Murphy, tell me what happened to my daughter. Now," Abby said for the first time that whole day. Kane was still on ice. Bellamy radioed her before she could wake anyone up. She felt more than a little ashamed that she hadn't noticed Clarke wasn't even her Clarke anymore. She let Clarke down, again, and she knew it.

"Everyone else tried to kill other people," Murphy said. "Bellamy tried to drown me and almost suffocated Clarke. Emori cut me. Miller and Jackson were trying to cut bugs out of each other."

"But not Clarke. When I went to look for Clarke, she had a knife to her own throat. She was talking to the radio, but it wasn't even on. I don't know who was on the other end of the radio, or what they were saying, but Clarke was really going to do it. I threatened to shoot her in the leg and she was still going to do it. I only changed her mind when I told her I needed help to Bellamy from killing us or himself."

How could they all have missed it? Since the day she left for the ground, she turned into their personal devil. Blame every mistake, every death, on Clarke because she would take it. She would bear it so they don't have to.

She ran away and took on the title Commander of Death and they still didn't notice. What would keep Clarke from the people she loves most if not for guilt and grief? And then they left her on the ground to die. But she survived, miraculously, from then to come back and place the weight of the world on her shoulders again.

"She must have felt like she was drowning," Bellamy thought. It must have been so easy when Josephine gave her the choice to chose peace finally. It must have been as peaceful as simply sliding under the water after a long swim.

And if it secured the safety of her people….

The likelihood that Clarke actually was gone began to dawn on everyone.

Bellamy stormed off, unable to even begin to comprehend a life without Clarke.

As Echo turned to go after him, Raven put a hand on her shoulder.

"Let me," she said as she turned to follow him.

She caught him sitting on a tree stump in an abandoned field. The primes were apparently not growing anything there at the moment and for a moment it like the rest of the world melted away.

But as she looked into his eyes, she fell to the ground with him.

How could Clarke's two oldest friends have missed so much?

END OF CHAPTER 2


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

As the sun started to rise, Raven and Bellamy began to sink. They sat next to each other facing the woods, much like they had long ago, on a different world.

"I remember the first time I saw Clarke," Bellamy said. Raven met his eyes and smiled softly.

"It wasn't right after we landed on Earth," Bellamy smiled, remembering fondly. "I don't even remember why I was walking back from Alpha station, but I was. I heard a commotion coming from the common room, so I went in to check it out."

"Clarke was there. She was playing chess with Wells. Some guy was yelling at his girlfriend."

"I already know where this is going," Raven smiled. It wasn't hard to guess what was going to happen next.

"Clarke stood up and walked over to them and put herself between the guy and his girl," Bellamy continued. "It looked hilarious. Here was this giant with his chest puffed out and this petite blonde matching him toe for toe. If looks could kill he would have been in the ground. Honestly, it took everything in me not to laugh," Bellamy said. The memory warmed him. He could feel it tingling through his arms and his legs like the memory was made of sunlight.

"Anyway, the guy grabbed Clarke's arm and without even thinking about it, she stepped on his foot as hard as she could," he said.

And then they were both laughing. Laughing both at the thought of someone trying to grab Clarke and the idea of Clarke stomping on someone's foot like an angry little princess. They continued to laugh until their sides hurt.

"When he bent over in pain, she grabbed him by the shirt and whispered something in his ear. Whatever she said must have worked because I never saw him yell at anyone else," Bellamy said.

"I was so in awe of her. All blonde and full of rage. Like something out of a Greek tragedy."

Of course, he never thought he'd get to know her. Never thought she'd be the person he couldn't live without. Never thought he'd get close enough to miss the sound of her voice and the smell of her hair. But he knew she was amazing, even then at the first moment.

"Did you ever figure out what she said?" asked Raven.

"No, I didn't," Bellamy answered. "And now I'll never know."

Their faces both fell immediately. They couldn't look at each other, so they looked at the ground. The ground. The place they met Clarke. The place they became a family. The place they survived together.

And now she was gone.

"Bellamy, I never meant to…" Raven couldn't even finish the sentence before the tears came at last. Raven prided herself on being a strong person, on being a dependable person. But this finally, might be more than she could take.

"None of us did Raven, that's the point. None of us ever meant to blame her, but we did. And that's on us," Bellamy answered.

When Clarke left Camp Jaha after Mt. Weather, Bellamy could not understand. He was so angry then, but maybe he got it now.

It was so much easier to remove your own responsibility and blame it on someone who wasn't even there. If you had no choice because Clarke made you do it, then how could you ever be blamed? They needed her to bear it to survive. And she took it on so willingly. Bellamy knew Clarke had made mistakes, many, many mistakes. But when had those mistakes overshadowed everything she had done for them? When had they stopped recognizing the good in her?

They both had no good answers. And they both knew they were asking the questions too late.

"I think sometimes when people act as strong as Clarke did, it's easy to think they're invincible," Raven said. "I just figured... how she acted sometimes just made me think that... I just thought... well I just thought that she was invincible and I guess and I never realized how hard this all must have been for her."

"I know what you mean," Bellamy replied. "And I… And I can't help but realize that the last thing she thought was that I was working with the people that murdered her, that I didn't care that she was gone," Bellamy said softly as tears began to fall down his cheeks.

"She died thinking that we thought she was a monster and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to live with that. I'm not sure it's survivable."

"Bellamy," Raven said calmly as she put her hand on his knee. "What you and Clarke had was special. She would have understood you were trying to protect our people. She would want you to survive."

They both know what Raven said was true. Clarke always made sure that they would survive, but wasn't it their job to make sure she survived with them? They failed, again, and that feeling overwhelmed them both.

"After everything that happened, it's not fair that we get to survive without her, again," Bellamy said, breaking the silence.

"The last thing Clarke said to me was that I was important to her and that we were family. And I let her die alone…" Bellamy said as he covered his head in shame.

They made a pact a long time ago that they would do everything together, but in her final moments, she was alone.

"Alone," Raven said surprised.

"Alone," she said again as she stood up.

"ALONE! Bellamy, you are a genius," she said as she started to smile.

"I don't understand Raven, what's so great about being alone?," Bellamy said sorely as he stood up.

"Don't you get it? Clarke wasn't alone, not really."

"Which means?"

"Which means… I know how to get Clarke back."

END OF CHAPTER 3


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

"Raven where are you going?" Bellamy asked as Raven shot up from her seat and started running back to the group.

"ALONE," Raven shouted, not really answering the question.

The two were out of breath when they got back to the group.

"Raven, Bellamy, what happened?" Echo asked.

"I know how to get Clarke back," Raven said firmly.

"Raven, Clarke is dead. She's not coming back," Murphy said.

"You don't know that," Raven shouted.

For once Josephine sat quietly, probably due to the gag they put in her mouth.

"I was reading this book that Octavia and Diyoza brought back from Gabriel. In it, he talks about the offering grove, and well the offering tree in particular. He said that the people who are given up for offering aren't really ALONE. Guys, It isn't just a tree," Raven said pacing. "When the vines get into your bloodstream, they connect you with every person who was ever under that tree. That's why it's an offering tree because you must give part of your soul to another. If we put Josephine under that tree with someone else, they can get into her head. "

"Raven, we don't know if that really works," Diyoza said calmly. "We also don't know if Clarke is still in there."

"Maybe, but we have to try. For her, and for us," Raven said looking each member of the group in the eye. "Clarke would do it for us."

That truth set a fire in the hearts of everyone there.

"Let's go," Bellamy said, already starting to untie Josephine.

"Hold on, how are we going to get there without getting caught?" Murphy asked.

"I know how to turn it off. For a couple of minutes at least," Abby said. "I've been reading all about them and I can do it."

"Abby, if you do that, they'll catch you and figure out what we're up too," Bellamy said.

"Then I would work quickly if I were you," Abby countered. After a pause, she said, "I've let my daughter down so many times, let me save her now. Let me be her mother."

"What are we waiting for," Octavia said as she helped her brother with Josephine.

Murphy and Miller went to steal a vehicle, as Abby left to get to the radiation shield.

They shuffled into the cramped car with Josephine in tow. They all became a little nervous as they came close to the radiation shield. Raven was sure that they would hit it when it suddenly turned off. Abby had done it. They passed right through the radiation shield and got to the offering tree in what felt like seconds.

"Quickly," Diyoza said. "Hold her down while the vines took root."

It took Murphy, Miller, and Octavia to restrain Josephine, but after several minutes, the vines had taken over her arms and legs enough for them to let go.

"Now it's our turn," Diyoza said.

"It should be me," Octavia said firmly. "I have the most to make up for and the least to lose. I can do this, I've survived worst."

"No, it should be me," Raven argued. "I'm her oldest friend and we know each well enough for this to work."

"I can do it," Murphy said, surprising everyone. "We cockroaches survive," he shrugged.

As they continued to bicker with each other, Bellamy sat down on the tree. The others only realized it when they heard a soft grunt from him as the first vine entered his arm.

"Big brother," Octavia said. With all that went unsaid between them, she wasn't sure what else to say.

"I told Clarke a long time ago we would survive together. I'm not giving up on that promise now," Bellamy said. "Do not cut the vines from me until we both wake up."

"Bellamy," Echo said shocked. "We can't do that. She could be gone and we have no idea what the side effects are!"

"Not one second earlier, do you hear me?" Bellamy said again.

Raven nodded her head.

As another vine pressed into his arm, he resisted the urge to scream and instead closed his eyes.

When he woke back up… he realized where he was.

Bellamy was back on the Ark.

End of Chapter 4.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

Bellamy was back on the Ark.

The Ark from long ago before the 100 ever left for the ground. The lights kept flickering in and out which made him a little dizzy as he started to stand.

"This must be Clarke's mindroom… No mindspace, that's what Josephine called it, a mindspace," he thought. It looked empty, which was odd for the Ark. The real Ark was always so crowded. There was no constant machine hum here which was the only thing that reminded him what he was really here to do.

"Clarke! Clarke! Clarke, where are you?" Bellamy yelled as loudly as he could. She had to still be here, she had to be here somewhere.

Bellamy walked down the hallway continuing to yell Clarke's name. He got to the end of the hallway and saw a door slightly ajar.

"Here we go," he said as he pushed open the door and walked inside.

Now he was inside the top of the dropship that brought them down to Earth. He wasn't sure why this was in Clarke's mindspace. He looked down and saw the blanket they had put Jasper on when Clarke saved him after their first incident with the grounders. He remembered how strong she looked with the scalpel in her hand and he remembered how small she looked sitting by herself outside later, washing the blood off her hands as a single tear fell down her face.

"This must be the first time Clarke felt the weight of leading," Bellamy said as he continued to look around.

He tried to unlock the door to get down to the first floor of the dropship, but it was stuck and he couldn't get it open. He looked around to find something he could use to pry open the door.

Then he saw the knife Charlotte used to kill Wells sitting in the corner, with blood still on it.

"Oh Clarke," Bellamy sighed. He knew she felt guilty, hell he still did. But between the continued grounder attacks and Raven's arrival, they never really had time to address it.

He grabbed the knife and pried open the door, more resolute in his quest to find Clarke.

He climbed down the stairs, skipping the last step and jumping to the ground. But when his feet hit the ground, his surroundings changed.

Suddenly, he was back in Mt. Weather.

He was in Wallace's office again. He already knows what he would have to do next. He looked around to see the lever, but it was a little different this time.

Tied to the lever was a familiar pair of goggles.

Bellamy can hardly bear it. He closed his eyes and pulled the level. Alone this time.

When he opened his eyes, he was back in the fighting pit.

He stopped breathing for a minute and resisted the urge to sit down. He stills sees himself in the fighting pit every time he closes his eyes, and now he knows she does too.

"But I told her it was okay," Bellamy said as he shook his head. He should have known she wouldn't forgive herself for this decision. Even after he put her in this situation, she blamed herself.

There was a lock on the door to leave the arena, so he looked around to see if there was a key. Instead of weapons, odd trinkets lined the fighting pit. There was a statue of a small two-headed deer, her father's old watch, a book with Maya's signature on the front page, a gun he hadn't seen before, and the flame.

He wondered how many people she loved died while she watched. It was unfair that she had to suffer so much. He would take all it away from her if he could. She was so strong, but life was so hard. He knew she would switch places with any of these people if she could. It made him unbearably sad to know that she valued herself less than the people she loved. That she couldn't see herself the way he saw her.

But if you look at yourself and see a drop of water, it's hard to understand how someone could look at you and see an ocean.

He carefully picked up the flame and heard something rattling inside. He broke it in his hand to find a key inside.

He walked over to the door, placed the key in the handle, and pushed.

When he walked inside he found himself back on the Ark. He looked down the hallway and saw something he never thought he'd see again.

Clarke.

End of Chapter 5


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

Clarke.

He saw the flash of blonde and suddenly his feet were running as fast as they ever had.

She was sitting in the middle of the airlock with her hands covering her ears and her eyes squeezed shut.

He ran to the airlock and fell to his knees.

"Clarke," he said tapping on the glass. "Clarke it's me. It's Bellamy. You're alive. I knew it. I knew it."

He never felt this kind of relief in his life. It was like he could finally breathe again.

"No, not again," Clarke said shaking her head. "I'm not falling for that again, Josephine."

Clarke refused to her eyes.

Bellamy searched for a way to open the airlock with no luck. The controls were missing. There was no way in, or out.

"Clarke, it's not Josephine, it's me. It's really me," Bellamy pleaded. "Clarke I need you to help me get you out of here. Clarke, I can't survive without you. The truth is I'm being selfish right now. I'm not here to save you, I'm here to save me. I can't survive without you Clarke, I just can't. I had to once and I can't do it again. Clarke, I need you, I've always needed you."

Tears started to fall from Bellamy's face as he pressed his forehead into the glass.

Only then did he hear the voices coming from the airlock.

Swirling around in the airlock were voices he recognized too well.

"Their blood is on your hands…Everyone's always counting on you…. You let all those people die…. Don't pretend you care about Bellamy now Clarke….You're the only murderer here…. You killed Finn… Good people died because of you…People die when you're in charge...I don't need you anymore… This is your fault, Princess…You called me for six years and then left me to die in a fighting pit"

The voices of him and his friends circled Clarke like gusts of wind.

"Stop it, stop listening to them, Clarke!" Bellamy urged, punching the airlock until his hands bled. "It's not true Clarke."

"Yes, it is!" Clarke screamed. "It is true. They're right, they have always been right. There are good guys, I'm just not one of them."

Clarke was crying, but she still wouldn't open her eyes.

"I guess the Commander of Death kills everyone she loves," Clarke said, tears rolling down her still shut eyes.

"Clarke, if you need forgiveness, I'll give to you. You're forgiven okay?" Bellamy said reciting the words they said to each other a lifetime ago.

"The real Bellamy never forgave me, why would he? I'm a virus. I'm a monster," Clarke replied.

Finally, the truth came out. The things Clarke had thought about herself for years were finally set free. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of her, admitting to herself what she had known all along. "Maybe now I can die with peace," she thought.

He could sense where this was leading, and he didn't like it one bit.

"No, no Clarke don't you remember? Who we are and who we need to be to survive is different. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for letting you bear this alone. But if we can get you out of here, I promise we can fix it. We always fix it, together."

"No offense, but the real Bellamy is back on Sanctum, and even he realized they were better off without me. Why should I listen to you?"

"Clarke, I made a deal with them because I thought that was what you would want. I thought I had to be the head, but Clarke without you I feel like I've been floated," Bellamy said, trying to get her to understand.

"Okay, prove it. Tell me something only Bellamy would know," Clarke said.

The noises were as loud as ever. He could hear everyone she loved telling her it was her fault, all their suffering was her fault. He grew increasingly afraid he couldn't get through to her.

Then a memory popped into his head.

"Do you remember when we were taking that day trip from hell? You told me you didn't wanna be around anybody you actually liked," Bellamy laughed. "Funny how after that trip you were the most I liked most. That trip was the first time you told me you needed me. That we could do this together," Bellamy said pressing his head into the glass. He needed to be louder than the voices, louder than the fear.

"Dax tried to kill me and you stopped him. I could tell that he had hurt your ankle when he tackled you, and I also knew you were too stubborn to ask for help. So when you weren't looking I grabbed more of the guns and loaded most of your pack into mine."

"I remember the pack feeling lighter, but I never knew you did that," Clarke replied, eyes still closed.

"I know you didn't. That's why I told you now. You have no memory of that so Josephine could never have known that either," Bellamy said. "It's me, Clarke. It's really me,"

Slowly, Clarke opened her eyes.

"Bellamy," she whispered as she slid over to the door.

"Bellamy it's really you. How did you… how are you here?"

"It's a long story Princess maybe we could talk about it later?"

Laughing Clarke presses her hand and her forehead against the glass, right next to Bellamy's.

"When we get out of here, I'm going to kill you for being so stupid," Clarke said.

"Try as you might Clarke, I'm always going to save you. I've thought about your heart and head stuff and I'm over it. I think we should try sticking with our hearts from now on," Bellamy said.

"Deal," Clarke said laughing. "Now help me unlock this thing,"

Bellamy got up and tried to pull apart the doors, but they wouldn't budge. Clarke stood up, trying and failing to ignore the voices that were still tearing her apart.

They each pushed on the door, screaming, using all of their weight to get the only thing in between them open.

But they simply couldn't.

Clarke fell to the floor, holding her ears again, as the voices got so loud it was like they were screaming.

"Bellamy," Clarke said tears streaming down her face. "How are we ever going to get out of here?"

End of Chapter 6.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

"Bellamy, you need to figure out how to leave because I'm not sure I can get out of here," Clarke said.

She could kill Bellamy for even putting himself in this kind of danger. Once again, he could die… and it was all her fault.

"Clarke, you must be kidding yourself if you think I'd ever leave you again," Bellamy said. "Now, help me pull at the door again."

"B, it's no use. I'll never get rid of the voices. After all I've done, I'm just not sure I can come back."

"Clarke, that's it," Bellamy said. "We're in your mindspace. You cannot get out because you don't believe you deserve to get out. But Clarke, you do. You do!"

"No Bellamy, I don't," Clarke said falling to her knees. "I think I've always known that. Maybe it is best if I stay here."

"Clarke, you've done some bad things but we all have. You know what else you did? You saved Jasper from that spear the first day. You made me stay and face my problems. You made sure Finn wouldn't suffer. You saved us from Mt. Weather. You went into the city of light to save everyone. You tested the nightblood on yourself. You gave Emori your radiation suit. And then you saved us from Praimfiya," Bellamy said, trying to get her to see the good he always saw in her.

"You made impossible choices," Bellamy said. "Heartbreaking, soul-crushing, impossible choices. But you did it for us because you wanted us to survive. We all forgot about that for a little bit, but you know it's true. We've all made mistakes and you know I judge myself for them every day. But Clarke I think it's time to give yourself the one thing you've been denying yourself every since your dad died."

Clarke looked up at him, wondering what he would say next.

"Mercy. You've been denying yourself mercy," Bellamy said staring into the greenest eyes he had ever seen. Her eyes reminded him of Earth and the vines that grew around the trees of their camp. It reminded him of the trees that seemed bigger than he ever thought possible. It reminded him of the grass and the ground and the girl he loved when he was there.

"Clarke," Bellamy said, tears in his eyes. "I wish I could but I'm not the one who can give you forgiveness. You have to do that on your own. You have to forgive yourself. Just give yourself some mercy, Clarke. You deserve it."

Clarke nodded her head, tears streaming down her face. He was right. This wasn't a problem he could solve for her. Like so many other things, she had to do this on her own. She had to find the girl she lost. A girl who loved herself, a girl she hadn't been for a while. But she had to find that girl again, if not for herself for Madi, and for Bellamy.

She looked at the man who had risked everything for her… again. She wanted to be the person he saw when he looked for her.

She took a deep breath. The voices whirled around her. She uncovered her ears and for the first time, really listened.

"You killed people, Clarke. You're a murderer. You hide behind survival to excuse the fact that you liked it, murdering those people," the voices said.

"You're right," Clarke said. "I have killed people. I made mistakes. But you're wrong. It was never about power or greed. It was always for my people. And that doesn't make me a bad person."

"You killed Jasper, Finn, Wells, Charlotte, and dear old daddy," the voices laughed.

"No," Clarke said exhaling. "No, it wasn't my fault. Their deaths weren't my fault. I can't control everything and it wasn't my fault.

Clarke took another deep breath and felt the weight come flying off her shoulders. Simply releasing the guilt she had been holding onto for so long.

It was time to set herself free.

"I've made mistakes. But I don't deserve to die. I deserve life, so I choose to live," Clarke said, yelling at the voices.

With that, the airlock door suddenly opened.

Bellamy rushed in, needing to hold Clarke in his arms.

But as he entered the airlock, he felt something tugging on him.

When he took another step, he suddenly disappeared.

Suddenly, he was back in the offering grove.

Echo was shaking him and he could vaguely make out her yelling.

"Bellamy, wake up. Wake up!" Echo shouted.

"You promised you wouldn't take me out," Bellamy shouted standing up.

"I told her to Bellamy. Your heart stopped beating. The vines were getting so deep… I'm so sorry," Raven said.

"I'll never forgive you for this," Bellamy told Raven walking toward her.

"Bellamy…" Echo said.

"Not now Echo," Bellamy said angrily.

She tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around to see what they were all staring at…

He couldn't believe it…

End of Chapter 7.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:

"Bellamy… Look," Echo said pointing at someone who had just woken up.

Bellamy turned around and saw Clarke's eyes flutter.

"Clarke," Bellamy gasped as he ran to her side.

Raven doubled over crying before running to join Bellamy and get the vines out of Clarke's side.

Clarke moaned as Raven, Bellamy, and Miller began to cut the vines away.

"I'm so sorry, Clarke," Raven cried. "I'm sorry about everything."

"That's okay," Clarke whispered. "I'd still chose you first Reyes."

Raven grabbed Clarke's hand and started to cry. It had been so long since these two friends had simply been grateful the other was alive. Raven was sure she would never take that for granted again.

"Bellamy," Clarke smiled as he helped her into a sitting position.

"Hey, princess," Bellamy said sitting next to her. "It's good to see you again. How are you feeling?"

"A little sore honestly, but good. I feel… alive," Clarke said.

"Clarke," Murphy said, awkwardly standing to the side of the group.

"It's okay cockroach," Clarke said. "We've all made mistakes. What matters is how you fix them. I don't blame you, John."

Clarke's words brought tears to Murphy's eyes. Emori squeezed his hand tightly. Clarke was right and she wanted him to know that.

"So, what's the plan folks?" Clarke said.

"What plan?" Echo asked.

"The plan to defeat the primes and get my mother and daughter back," Clarke said as she stood up slowly.

Raven and Bellamy held each of her arms.

"We found Gabriel," Octavia said. She wasn't sure how Clarke would react to seeing her alive again, so she had stayed silent up until this point. "He showed us a way to deactivate the chips remotely. That's what the plan is."

"Sounds like a good plan," Clarke said. "I'm glad you found your way back too, O,"

Octavia smiled and nodded softly.

"Clarke, are you feeling okay?" Bellamy asked.

Clarke's breathing was shallow and he began to feel her hand shake under his.

"Yeah, of course," Clarke said.

She hadn't finished her sentence before she fell to the ground again.

Bellamy caught her in his arms and began to tap her cheek softly with his hand.

"Clarke, wake up," he cried. "Clarke, you haven't survived all of this to die now. Come on, Clarke. Wake up."

Raven held Bellamy's shoulders as he held Clarke in his arms. Her blonde hair splayed across his lap.

Suddenly, Clarke's breathing returned.

"Sorry, Bellamy did I scare you?"

"Yes, yes you did," he said laughing.

Bellamy closed his eyes, pressed his forehead into hers, and smiled. He was finally with her, the girl of his dreams who was so wildly alive.

Suddenly, Clarke pressed her lips into his. It was the rush he had been waiting for since the day she had scolded him for trying to leave the dropship.

But he didn't want it this way. Not when Echo was watching. Not hurting someone he had loved.

And he knew Clarke wouldn't want them like this either. After everything she felt guilty over, would she really make him hurt Echo?

A dark realization crept over his face. His eyes grew dark and his smile turned cold.

With a snap, he threw Clarke to the ground and stood up.

"Bellamy," Raven said. She was shocked over the kiss but more shocked by his reaction.

Echo had turned away. She knew this was waiting at the end of their journey. She was a very smart girl, and this realization had not escaped her. But she had helped save Clarke anyway. She couldn't save her first family, but she wouldn't leave anyone in this one behind. She did it for Bellamy, and she did it to prove to herself she wasn't just a spy. She was also simply good.

"You're not Clarke," Bellamy spat out.

Everyone's face snapped to Clarke's.

They couldn't believe what they were hearing.

"Bellamy, I'm sorry," Clarke said. "It wasn't appropriate. I was just confused."

"You're not confused. You're just not Clarke."

"Bellamy," Diyoza said softly putting a hand on his shoulder. "It was a mistake, let it go."

Raven reached down to help Clarke off the ground, but Bellamy slapped her hand away.

"It wasn't a mistake. That is not my Clarke," Bellamy said.

Bellamy and Clarke stared at each other. "Where they right?" he wondered. Was she just confused? He had thought about kissing her for so long, maybe he didn't know how to handle it when it happened. Maybe, he was the confused one. He had always loved her. Maybe now was there time.

But as he stared down at Clarke he just simply knew. It wasn't his Clarke.

They held each other's gaze for a while longer when suddenly, Clarke started laughing hysterically.

"I have to give you props, Bellamy," someone who was supposed to be Clarke said. "I really thought you would buy into that. You really can't blame a girl for trying though can you handsome" she said with a wink.

They are stared at her in disbelief. This couldn't be happening. Again.

"Josephine," Bellamy said.

Josephine stood up and shook the dirt off her jacket.

"Present," Josephine said smiling.

"What happened to Clarke you self-righteous bitch," Raven yelled lunging at Josephine.

Echo and Miller both had to restrain her before she collapsed to the floor.

"Clarke's not home right now but can I take a message," Josephine smiled.

Bellamy sank to the ground next to Raven.

What had happened in between now and when Clarke had gotten out of her mindspace. What would happen now?

Josephine bent down next to Clarke's best friends and whispered…

"I win."

End of Chapter 7.


End file.
